The Problem with Problem Solving
For all our strengths and weaknesses, humans are good problem solvers. Maybe there are some problems that continue to vex us, but most of our day to day lives are a series of “problems” successfully solved. Need help waking up? Set an alarm. Trouble getting going in the morning? Grab some coffee. Raining outside? Put on a raincoat. Don’t like the color of the walls? Repaint them (or put up some art!). All those problems, solved!
You get the idea - we are good at manipulating the external world around us to suit our basic needs. This extends to more complex “problems” like constructing tall buildings or developing effective vaccines.
We are able to identify problems, conceptualize their origin, hypothesize solutions, and work through trial and error until we find a solution. Sometimes this problem solving has occurred over generations and continues to be fine-tuned, like in aeronautics.
Sometimes we can use avoidance as a so-called problem solving tool. If you go to a restaurant and don’t like the food, you can just choose to never go back! And, most likely, it won’t affect your life much to do so.
With such problem solving proficiency, it’s no wonder that we try to apply some of these same approaches to our “internal experiences,” aka our emotions, thoughts, and memories.
When we feel or think in a way that causes us distress, our natural inclination is to evaluate that experience as “bad” or “negative,” and then move into our problem solving mindset - “what action can I take to control, manage, fix, get rid of, or avoid this bad thought experience??”
We get messaging in our society that this approach should work. The song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” for example, implies this type of control - if you don’t like the way you are feeling or thinking, you need to do something to change it. But there’s a reason that it’s not helpful (and usually irritating instead) when someone tells us to “cheer up” or says “if it bothers you so much just don’t think about it.”
These suggestions are so unhelpful because they imply a level of control that we don’t possess. We may be able to do things that distract us from certain thoughts or emotions, and we may know that certain behaviors are more strongly associated with positive/negative feelings, but if I am feeling sad, I cannot just decide to feel happy instead in the same way that I can decide to put on a raincoat.
So this leaves us in a frustrating position. We don’t have direct control over our moment-to-moment thoughts and emotions. Avoidance is also tricky. If I decide I don’t like feeling anxious, can I just decide not to have anxiety anymore? Not likely!
We try to problem solve ourselves out of experiencing unwanted thoughts and emotions, but it ends up being an exhausting, frustrating, futile endeavor. And that’s because thoughts and emotions aren’t problems to solve at all - they are experiences to have.
Our thoughts and emotions are experiences like the weather outside. We cannot control the weather, but we can control how we respond to the weather.
In therapy, this is what we work on. Disentangling from the frustrating struggle to control, fix, get rid of, or problem solve away our thoughts and emotions, and focusing instead on being willing to experience the thoughts and emotions that come up while responding in a way that is in line with our values and which promotes healthy functioning.